Wife and her funeral

A Packer fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Lambeau Field, until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was. The guy said, "Yes, that's my wife's seat. We have never missed a game since the Lombardi days, but now my wife is dead." The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad he couldn't find some relative to give the ticket to so they could enjoy the game together... "Oh no," the guy said, "they're all at the funeral."

RAC Motoring Services

Caller: Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?

Operator: Doesn’t the product give you a clue?

=======
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in France): If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?

Sam sung Electronics

Caller: Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?

Operator: I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand who you are talking about?

Caller: On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?

Operator: I think you mean the telephone point on the wall.

HR's Help

After 3 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increase no commendation and that the Company is not doing any thing about it. So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager one morning and after exchanging greetings,

He told his HR Manager his observation. The boss looked at him,laughed and asked him to sit down saying; My friend, you have not worked here for even one day.

The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.

Manager:- How many days are there in a year?

Man:- 365 days and some times 366

Manager:- how many hours make up a day?

Man:- 24 hours

Manager:- How long do you work in a day?

Man:- 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a day.

Manager:- So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours?

Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours i.e. 1/3(one third)

Manager:- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?

Man:- 122 (1/3×366 = 122 in days)

Manager:- Do you come to work on weekends?

Man:- No sir

Manager:- How many days are there in a year that are weekends?

Man:- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days

Manager:- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?

Man:- 18 days.

Manager:- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that 14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?

Man:- 4 days

Manager:- Do you work on New Year day?

Man:- No sir!

Manager:- Do you come to work on workers day?

Man:- No sir!

Manager:- So how many days are left?

Man:- 2 days sir!

Manager:- Do you come to work on the (National holiday )?

Man:- No sir!

Manager:- So how many days are left?

Man:- 1 day sir!

Manager:- Do you work on Christmas day?

Man:- No sir!

Manager:- So how many days are left?

Man:- None sir!

Manager:- So, what are you claiming?

Man:- I have understood, Sir. I did not realize that I was stealing Company money all these days.

Moral: NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP!!!

Letters

Some applications from Pakistanis who learnt English at government funded schools.

A students leave letter:

As I am suffering from my uncle's marriage I cannot attend the class.

A candidate's application: This has reference to your advertisement calling for a typist And an accountant - Male or Female As I am both for the past Several years and I can handle both; I am applying for the post.

An employee applied for leave as follows:Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife. Please sanction me one-week leave.

Another employee applied for half day leave as follows: Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clocks and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave

A leave letter to the headmaster: As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today.

An incident of a leave letter: I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday.

Another leave letter written to the headmaster:As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day.

A covering note:I am enclosed herewith..

A great application for leave: As my mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it, Please grant me 10 days leave.

Letter written for application of leave: My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband At home I may be granted leave.

Letter writing: I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well.

Foreign Language

A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, 'BARK!' and the cat runs away.

'See?' says the mother mouse to her baby. 'Now do you see why its important to learn a foreign language?'

Animals @ their meeting..

Q: How do you put a Giraffe in a Refridgerator?
A: Open the door and put him in.

Q: How do you put an Elephant in a Refridgerator?
A: Take out the Giraffe.

Q: There’s a meeting of all the animals in jungle except for one, which one is it?
A: The giraffe, it’s still in the refrigerator.

Q: You come to a crocodile infested river with no bridge. How will you cross it?
A: Swim across. All the crocodiles are at the meeting.

I'll use my seeing eye dog

A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head.

The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something."

The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."

He is a very smart dog

I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man.

"That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the film."

The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book."

The plumber has arrived

A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o'clock. Ten o'clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, one o'clock; no plumber.

She concluded he wasn't coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived.

He knocked on the door; the lady's parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, "Who is it?"

He replied, "It's the plumber."

He thought it was the lady who'd said, "Who is it?" and waited for her to come and let him in. When this didn't happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"

He said, "It's the plumber!"

He waited, and again the lady didn't come to let him in. He knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"

He said, "It's the plumber!!!!!!!!"

Again he waited; again she didn't come; again he knocked; again the parrot said, "Who is it?"; "Aarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!" he said, flying into a rage; he pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and he fell dead in the doorway.

The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway, "A dead body!" she exclaimed, "Who is it?!"

The parrot said, "It's the plumber."

The preacher buys a parrot

A preacher is buying a parrot.

"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.

"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.

"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."

"Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?"

"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the parrot.

Two roaches having a discussion

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.

"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines." pr0p3rty0fahaj0kes

"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"

I think that I'm a chicken

Psychiatrist: What's your problem?

Patient: I think I'm a chicken.

Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?

Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

Two angry neighbors

Two neighbors had been fighting each other for nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog.

So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. After about a year and a half of Bob's cow crapping in Bill's yard; being ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front of Bill's house.

Bob runs over and demands to know what's in the 18-wheeler.

'My new pet elephant,' Bill replies solemly.

Husband & Dog?

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Tell-a-Woman!

What are the three fastest means of communication?

Internet
Telephone
Tell a woman!

Seat Belt..!

An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns,
drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit
when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of
his license plate.

The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again;
even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third
time, at an even slower speed. Same result.

"This guy must have screwed up the settings," the off-duty
officer thought.

A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail,
he discovered three traffic tickets:

Each for not wearing a seat belt!

Talking Horse..

A travelling salesman stopped alongside a field on a country road to rest
a few minutes.
The man had just closed his eyes when a horse came to the fence and began
to boast about his past. "Yes sir, I'm a fine horse. I've run in 25 races
and won over £5 million. I keep my trophies in the barn."
The salesman worked out the value of having a talking horse, found the
horse's owner and offered a handsome sum for the animal.
"Oh, you don't want that horse," said the farmer.
"Yes I do," said the salesman, "and I'll give you £10,000 for the horse."
Recognising a good deal, the farmer said without hesitation, "He's yours."
While he wrote out his cheque, the salesman asked, "By the way, why
wouldn't I want your horse?"
"Because," said the farmer, "he's a liar - he hasn't won a race in his
life."

Divorce Lawyer..

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at
the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts
all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over
them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and
asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards
signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Murder Case..!

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job.
The officer wants to ask her a few questions....
Officer: What's 2+2?
Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!
Officer: What's the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummmm... 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she
got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm
already working on a murder case!"

German Pen...

I saw a pen in a store the other day. I picked it up and took a look at it
cause it was prettier than most.
The clerk said, "It's made in Germany".
I said, "That's too bad, I can't use it then".
The clerk said, "What's the matter? You don't like German pens?"
I said, "No. I just never learned to write German."

Mental Hospital..

Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?

A mental hospital.

Wishing well..

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish
and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned
over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned
for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!"

Duck & Candle!

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table
watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap
dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy
the duck from its owner. After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for
$10000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs
back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot
before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?" asked
the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the
pot?"

Dentist!

Dentist: "Would you help me out? I'd like you to
give a few of your loudest screams."
Patient: "Why, Doc? It isn't all that bad this time."
Dentist: "Well, there are about 20 people in the
waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss
the five o'clock Braves game on Channel 4."

2 dumb fishermen...

2 dumb fishermen decided to rent a boat on a lake for their favorite sport. After fishing for 4 hours at various places around the lake with no luck at all they decided to try one more spot before calling it quits, Suddenly things started to happen, and they caught their limit inside of twenty minutes. paul said, (Hey we should mark this spot, so next time we will know where to come,) Jim says good idea, and he took out a can of spray paint and made a large X on the floor of the boat....to mark the spot.... With that paul says, why did you do that, now anyone who rents this boat will know where to fish.

Magic Mirror

There are 3 people standing in front of a magic mirror. The mirror gives you anything you desire if you tell it the truth, but you disappear if you lie. The first person to talk to the mirror was a very fat brunette. She walked up to the mirror and said "I think I am the thinnest person in the world." and poof, the mirror gobbled her up. The next person to come up to the mirror was a very ugly red head. She told the mirror "I think I am the prettiest person in the world" and poof, the mirror gobbled her up. Lastly came the blonde. She walked up to the mirror and said "I think..." and poof, the mirror gobbled her up.

Counting sheeps...

A blonde dyed her hair brown because she was tired of being picked on,
She was driving along the countryside when she got a bright idea and stopped at a nearby farm. she said to the farmer "If i can tell you how many sheep you have in total can I have one?"
"ok" said the farmer, so she quickly counted them and said 91. The farmer looked around astonished and said "alright take one"
As she was walking back to her car the farmer said "If i can guess your natural hair colour can i have my dog back?"

You are ugly!

Man walks into a supermarket and buys :

1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube toothpaste
1 loaf of bread 1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner

The girl at the checkout looks at him and says "Single are you?"
The man replies very sarcastically "How did you guess?"
She replies "because you're ugly."

Ceiling!

So there were two guys on a roof, pounding nails. One guy pounded a nail
in, then picked up another. He was holding the nail upside down. He
unexpectedly threw the nail away. He picked up another nail, right side up
this time, and pounded this in. He eventually threw so many upside down
nails away, that his friend came over. "Eh, what you doing? How come
you're throwing away all those nails?" he asked. "Because they're upside
down," the friend replied. The other guy looks at the friend, then, after
some thought, says, "You Idiot, save them for the ceiling!"

Bad Breath & Smelly Feet...

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached,
they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never
before shared with anyone, not even each other.

The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father
for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the
success of my marriage."

His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"

"Oh yes, very much," he said," but you see, I have very smelly
feet, and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them."

"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as
often as possible,and always wear socks, even to bed." Well,
to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her
problem up with her mom." Mom," she said, "When I wake up
in the morning my breath is truly awful."

"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the
morning."

"No, you don't understand,. My morning breath is so bad, I'm
afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room
with me."

Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight
out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While
the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush
your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed
your teeth."

"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter
asked.

"Not a word," her mother affirmed.

"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.

The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice
each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with
her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until
about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the
husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had
come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches
the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking,
she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"

"Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"

All men are alike...

A few moments after the daughter announced her engagement, her Father asked, "Does this fellow have any money ?"

The daughter shook her head sadly. "Oh Daddy ! You men are all alike." sighing deeply, she replied, "That's exactly what he asked me about you."

Ready for Society?

A man who had been in a mental institution for some years finally improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The psychiatrist that ran the institution decided it was better to proceed with caution, and chose to interview him first.

"Tell me," said the doctor, "if we release you, as we are considering, what do you plan to do with your life?"

The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life, and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you see, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped to put me here. If I am released, I shall limit myself to work in pure theory, where I believe the situation will be less difficult and stressful."

"Wonderful," said the psychiatrist.

"Or else," continued the patient, "I might teach. There is something to be said for dedicating your life to expanding the knowledge of young people."

"Definitely," said the psychiatrist.

"Then again, I might write. There is always a need for books on science, or I may even write a novel based on my experiences in the psychiatric institution."

"Another interesting possibility," agreed the doctor.

"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me...
I can always continue to be a teakettle!"

Ooops!

A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.

The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.

"What the heck did you do that for!?!" the man screams.

"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?"

The man says, "No I don't, you IDIOT...
But my wife out in the car still does!"

How to get out of a next speeding ticket!

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove-box, and that there was a body in the trunk?

Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the big liar told you I was speeding too!

At the shoe store...

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says.

"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." (DOH!)

The traffic ticket...

A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to
appear for a minor traffic summons.

He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.

"WHAT FOR?!?!?" he snapped at the judge.

The Judge, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: "Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented:
"That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The guy replied...
"I know - I'm just seeing if I have enough for 2 more words!"

Funny Conversations...

BOY : Since we met, I can't eat or drink...
GIRL : Why not ??
BOY : I'm broke.

BOY : May I hold your hand??
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night??
BOY : What time was it??

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever..
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

Man : You remind me of the sea.
Woman : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
Man : NO, because you make me sick.

Wife : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out
of the other.
Husband : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

Mary : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter?
Peter : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

Jimmy : Mom, can I have two piece of cake?
Mom : Certainly. Take this piece and cut it in two.

Sam : I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I comfortable seated.
Lily : So what do you do?
Sam : I close my eyes.

Teacher : Have you given the goldfish fresh water?
Pupil : No, Sir. They haven't finished the water I gave them last week.

Mom : Why are you wiping the floor with that cake?
Son : Well, it's a sponge cake, isn't it?

Christmas shopping

It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. "What are you charged with?" he asked.
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That's no offense," replied the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.

The Trainee...

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.
On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"

"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"

The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"
"No." replied the CEO indignantly.

"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.

Dogs with no legs?

Q) What do you call a dog with no legs?

A) It doesn't matter, he won't come!

Goat?

Well, a man was driving down a country road, and he decided to get out and get some fresh air.

He got out, and started walking in a meadow. As he walked, he came upon a hole. Wanting to see how deep it was, he threw a pebble down. No sound. So he threw a medium-sized rock down. No sound.

The man started to get frustrated, so he threw a boulder down. No sound. As he searched about, he spotted a railroad beam. He hauled it over to the hole, and shoved it in. No sound.

He sat down on the ground, exhausted. Suddenly, he saw a goat running at him, full speed. He leaped up, and it brushed past him, and fell in the hole. He listened, but there was no sound.

He sat down again. A few minutes later, a farmer came walking up. The man asked him, "How deep is this hole?" The farmer said, "Oh. Thats the bottomless pit. It never ends. Say, have you seen my prize goat?"

The man, not wanting to get the blame, said, "No." The farmer said, "Oh well. He can't get far. He was tied to a railroad beam."

The Snake

There where two snakes talking.

The 1st one said 'Sidney, are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves around our prey and squeeze and crush until they're dead? Or are we the type of snake who ambush our prey and bite them and they are poisioned?'.

Then the second Snake says "Why do you ask?"

The 1st one replies: "I just bit my lip!"

King of the Jungle..

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared,
"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!

Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows,
"Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars,
"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant -
"Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"

Driving License

Johnny had just received his brand new drivers license. The family goes out to the driveway and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the new driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to the his dad.

"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years!"

Susie the Mommy's helper!

Little Susie was Mommy's helper. She helped set the table when company was due for dinner. Soon, everything was on, Mr. Smythe the guest came in, and everyone sat down.

Then Mother noticed something was missing....

"Susie, dear," she said, "You didn't put a knife and fork at Mr. Smythe's place."

"But, Mommy, I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Susie. "Daddy says he always eats like a horse!"

Clever Kids!

The was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. . .

After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids showed up and they saw his sign: "Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

Well the kids were bright and not about to risk another watermelon. They ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the sign that the farmer made.

The next day the farmer showed up to look over the field and he noticed to his delight that no watermelons are missing. He was perplexed, however, by a sign next to his. He drove his tractor up to the sign which read: "Now there are two!"

Magnet?

Mr. Smythe had been giving his second-grade students a short lesson on science. He had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. And now it was question time...

"Class," said he, "My name begins with the letter `M' and I pick up things.... What am I?"

A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother!"

One Brilliant Kid!

A Duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he came across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow.

"Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cried the duke. "I must find him!"

After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets.

"You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the
middle, did you?" asked the duke worriedly.

"No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy."

"That is truly astonishing," said the duke. "I hereby admit you into my service." The boy thanked him profusely.

"But I must ask one favor in return," the duke continued.
"You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot."

"Well," said the boy, "first I fire the arrow at the tree...
...and then I paint the target around it."

Kidneys for Brains

The teacher asked her students if anyone knew the answer to 2+2, they had three tries or they would not get recess. The first kid said "Uh, 14? "No," the teacher said. The second kid said "3.8" "Not quite" the teacher said. Finally the third kid said "That's easy, 4" "Yes, you all get recess now". At the playground the kids asked how did he know the answer and he said "It's all about the Kidneys!" as he pointed to his head.

Titanic?

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one
question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the
iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the
Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that
this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people
died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered,
"about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

Fathers Job?

A teacher was asking her class what their fathers did. When she asked
little Johnny, he said, "My father's dead, Miss."

"Oh, I am sorry, Johnny. In that case, what did he do before he died?"

"He went blue, held his chest and moaned aaaaarrrrrrggg, and
collapsed."

News Paper

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the
obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. After
the editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50
cents a word, she pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then,
let it read 'Fred Brown died'."

Confounded at the woman's thrift, the editor stammers that there
is a 7-word minimum for all obituaries. The woman pauses again,
counts on her fingers and replies, "In that case, 'Fred Brown
died: 1983 Pick-up for sale'."

Jim or Yim?

The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashierand
was down to two final applicants -- one of which would get the job.
The first one interviewed was from a small college in upstate
New York. A nice young man, but a bit timid.
Then he called for the second man, "Jim Johnson!" Up stepped a
burley young man who seemed quite sure of himself.
"He looks like he cantake care of any situation," thought the manager,
and decided, there and then,to hire him. He turned to the first
applicant and told him he could go and they would let him know.
Turning to Johnson, he said, "Now Jim, I like the way you carry
yourself -- that's an important asset for the job as cashier.
However,you must be precise. I noticed you did not fill out the
place on the application where we asked your formal education."
Jim looked a little confused so the manager said,
"Where did you get your financial education?"
"Oh," replied Jim -- "Yale."
"That's very good ... excellent. You're hired!"
"Now that you're working for us, what do you prefer to be called?"
Jim answered "I don't care... Yim... or Mr. Yonson."

Water!

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: "Da-ad..."
"What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank
you!!"
Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..." "WHAT??!!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

Iraqi, Brit, American

An American, a Brit and an Iraqi are in a bar one night having a beer. The Yankee drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In the States our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice.
" The Brit obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Britain we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either.

"The Iraqi, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the American and the Brit. He says "In Baghdad we have so many Americans and Brits that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

Join the queue...

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file. The man couldn't stand his curiosity.

He respectfully approached the man walking the dog,
"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file. Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife."

What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied "Join the queue."

Local Call

Queen Elizabeth, Clinton & Sharoon died & went straight to hell.

Queen Elizabeth said "I miss England, I want to call England and see how everybody is doing there.

She called and talked for about 5 minutes, then she asked "Well, devil how much do I owe you????

The devil says "Five million dollars"

She wrote him a cheque and went to sit back on her chair.

Clinton was soo jealous, he starts screaming, "My turn! I wanna call the United States, I want to see how everybody is doing there too"

He called and talked for about 2 minutes, then he asked "Well, devil how much do I owe you????

The devil says "Ten million dollars"

With a smug look on his face, he made a cheque and went to sit back on his chair.

Sharoon was even more jealous & starts screaming, "I want to call Israil too, I wanna talk to the ministers, to the deputy, I wanna talk to everybody of my Parliment".....

He called Israil and he talked for about twenty hours, he talked & talked & talked, then he asked "Well, devil how much do I owe you????

The devil says "Twenty dollars".

Sharoon is stunned & says "Twenty dollars??? Only ??"

The devil says "Well if you make a call from one hell to another hell, it's local".

Aik Khat

Aik bewi nay 1st time apney shohar ko email ki aur jaldi main woh fullstops laga bolgayeen jab yad aya tou jaldi main jahan courser gaya fullstop laga diya, khat kuch isterhan se hai.

Assalam Alaikum,
kay bad arz hai kay bohat khusguwar zindagi guzar rahi hoon aap ki . bohat yaad aati hai anwar ki . shadi hai hamari bakri ki . tang toot gai hai hamarey sofa ki . poshish phat gai hai phopou ki . salaam kubool karain chori ki . wardaat bhee hogai hamarey ghar main ghalti se . mera dewar pakra gaya mohalley ki aik larki kay saath . aik bura hadsa paish aaya aap ki ammi kay saath . naani lahor ayeen theen baghair batey . bhabi bhee karachi chali gain anday dey kar . hamari murgi karak hogai salman mian se milkar . pata chala key aunty zejra theek hogain ghalti se . aamna ney mujeh add karliya messenger main . kuch problem hai amber key saath . aik larka dekha hain main ney aapki moumani key liye . naya ghagra bhee silwaya hai dada abbu key liye . phishwari chappal lai hoon chot nand kay liye . kuch bhee naheen la saki kabotaron kay liye . alag pingra banaya hai apni saas ka . rooz sar dabati hoon doodh waley ka . bill adaa karna hai aap ka . intezar karti hoon shahbaz ka . rishta tai hogaya hai billi kay bacchay ka . acident main intekaal hogaya barey khalo ka . beta buree society main par gaya hai.

Aapki chahitee
Rasheedan

Computer Terminology

ISDN - It Still Does Nothing
APPLE - Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
IBM - I Blame Microsoft
WWW - World Wide Wait
PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Math
NT - Network Tragedy
DNS - Does Nothing Special
WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

Answering Machine

A Sarder took an answering machine home and fixed it home somewhere in Rajasthan, but two days later disconnected it because he was getting complaints like "Saala phone utha ke bolta hai ghar pe nahin hai"

Ducks

A little boy in our local park asked his dad if he could feed the ducks. "They're not all ducks," I heard his father say. "Those are Canadian geese, those are snow geese and the others are swans." "Oh," said the son. "Can I feed the ducks now?"

Departmental Store

Tu Chaand maange main Chaand de du,
tu raat maange main raat de du,
Tu dil maange main dil de du,
Tu Jaan maange......Abe bas Departmental Store samajh rakha hai kya???

Cartoon

Hum dua karte hain Khuda se,
ki wo aap jaisa dost aur na banaye...,
Ek Cartoon jaisi cheez hai humare paas,
kahin wo bhi common na ho jaye!!

War?

English Man : - Humare America mein War ho gaya hai
Mohit: - Humare India mein to roz hi war hota hai
English Man : - wo kaise?
Mohit : - Somwar, Mangalwar, Budhwar.....!!!

Wife's Devotion

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, love him regularly.

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

Bad Language

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before!
I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset....Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"

Don't Step On A Duck!

Three young women in there thirties are on a road trip and are tearing down the freeway. unfortunatley, they lose control, the car flips over the guard rail on to the opposite lanes and gets smashed by an eighteen wheeler.

Up at the pearly gates, all three of them are greeted by St. Peter. He tells them. "All of you led very good lives down on earth, so all of you will be asmitted into paradise. The only rule: DON"T STEP ON THE DUCKS."

confused, they all ask "um...what?"

St. Peter says "if you step on one duck, it quacks. if a duck quacks, other ducks will start quacking, and...well...you'll see."

With that, the gates opened and the three waltzed inside. And, sure enough, All of heaven is covered with ducks. there is almost no room to walk with the millions of ducks.

a day of careful stepping later, the first woman steps on a duck. seconds later, every single duck in heaven is quacking. it's so loud the women aren't suprised if earth could hear it. hours later, when the quacking ceased, an angel appears with a ver ugly man and chains him to the lady and tells her this is her eternal punishment for the duck-stepping.

Not wanting the same fate, the other two women become very cautious for the next week, but sure enough, the second lady steps on a duck.

she gets the same punishment as the first lady.

The third lady becomes so careful that, a year-and-a-half later, she is still duck-free. then, an angel appears next to her with a very handsome man and chains him to her.

Thinking that this must be a reward for her good-doing she asks the man gleefully "What did I do to deserve this?"

And the man replies with a grimace, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

The Importance of Remembrance

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive"

The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps.

The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps.

This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

Twenty Penguins

A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say that he can't drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off. The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again. He is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo." The man replies "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies."

Money Freek

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money.

He loved money more than just about anything.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.

He made her promise with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband!"

She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian. I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him.

"You mean to tell me you really put that money in the casket with him!!!!?

"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check."

Never Underestimate The Intelligence of a Woman

FBI Work

The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"

"Hello, is this FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."

"This will be noted."

Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.

The phone rings at Tom's house. "Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yeah they did." "Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

A Walk In The Jungle

Two friends are walking in the jungle.
Suddenly a tiger appears in the distance running toward them. One friend pulls a pair of 'Nikes' out of his bag and quickly puts them on.
With a surprised look, the other friend says, "You don't really think you can out run that tiger with those?"
"I don't need to out run the tiger", his friend replies, "I just need to run faster than you".

Ice Fishing

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen
many books on the subject, and finally, after
getting all the necessary "tools" together,
she made for the nearest frozen body of water.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she
started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE
ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice,
poured a Thermos of cappuccino. And began to cut
yet another hole.

Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to
the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool,
and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more. "THERE ARE NO FISH
UNDER THE ICE!" She stopped, looked skyward,
and said, "Is that you, Lord?"

The voice replied, "No...this is the manager
of the hockey rink..."

Bad Accident

A man came to the hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off."

Sherlock Holmes

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the world-famous detective Sherlock Holmes, was not above telling self- deprecating tales.

In one situation, he was waiting at a taxi stand outside the railway station in Paris. When a taxi pulled up, he placed his suitcase in the car and took a seat next to it.

"Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?" asked the taxi driver.

Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he knew him by sight.

"No, sir, I have never seen you before."

The puzzled Doyle asked him how he knew he was Conan Doyle.

"This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi-stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you're a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. And so, I deduced that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

Doyle remarked, "This is truly amazing. You are a real-life counterpart to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes."

"There is one other thing," the driver said.

"What is that?"

"Your name is on the front of your suitcase."

Memory Problems

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me."

"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

Lost Son!

A guy was in a supermarket when he noticed an old lady following him around. Whenever he stopped, she stopped, and she also kept staring at him. She finally overtook him just before the checkout where she turned to him and said:

"I hope I haven't made you feel uncomfortable - it's just that you look so much like my late son."

"Oh, that's ok," he said.

"I know it's silly," she continued, "but if you called out 'Goodbye, Mother' as I leave, it would make me ever so happy." The old lady proceeded through the checkout and as she left the supermarket, the man called out "Goodbye Mother." The old lady waved back, and kindly smiled.

Pleased he had brought a bit of sunshine to someone's day the man went to pay for his groceries.

"That'll be 105 dollars 35," said the clerk.

"How come?" inquired the man. "I've only bought a few things!"

"Yeah, but your mother said you'd pay for her..."

Good News And Bad News

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and
bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were
able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

Mad Cow

A man goes into a restaurant with his wife. The waiter approaches the table and asks for their order. "I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," he says.

"But sir, what about the mad cow?!" asks the waiter.

"Oh," answers the man, "she'll order for herself."

A Dinner Conversation

A Dinner Conversation That Went Wrong
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - - silence - - -
HUSBAND: "Shit."

Train Crash

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"

Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track."

"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.

"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there", answers Tom.

"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.

"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."

"What if the phone was busy?"

"In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station".

"What if that had been vandalized?"

"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo".

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"

"Because he's never seen a train crash."

The 13 Biggest Lies

13. The check is in the mail.

12. You get this one, I'll pay next time.

11. You look great.

10. Of course I love you.

9. It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.

8. ...but we can still be good friends.

7. She means nothing to me.

6. Don't worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty."

5. Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone.

4. I'll call you later.

3. I've never done anything like this before.

2. I'm from your government, and I am here to help you.

1. I DO.

Spanish Dinner

An American tourist visited a small town in Spain.

The residents had never seen an American before, so he was treated as an honoured guest at the hotel.

Dinning for the first night, he asked the waiter what he recommended for dinner.

He suggested the "cojones".

The tourist asked what they were and the waiter replied, "Those are the testicles of the bull killed in the ring today."

He was shocked but agreed to try them after being assured it was a delicacy reserved only for special guests.

The tourist found them to be very tasty.

The next night he again ordered them for dinner.

The waiter complied but somewhat reluctantly.

The tourist again found them to be very tasty but asked the waiter why they were so much smaller than before.

The waiter said, "You see, Senor, sometimes it is the bull that wins!"

Mahan Sardar Jee!

sardar jee calls home (from the office)

"Begam main aaj nahin aaraha ... koi meri gari ka steering, dashboard, accelarator aur break paddles chura ker lay gaya hai"

thori dair baad .... phir phone kerta hai

"Begam main ghar aarha hoon. main ghulti say gari kee pichli seat per baith gaya tha'.

Sardar & Pizza

Sardar orders pizza.
Waiter : Sir shd i cut it into 4 pieces or into 8 ?
Sardar: 4 hi karde 8 khaye nahin jayenge.

News

A memon called a newspaper office and asked:

Mera baap margaya hai, news k kia charges hongain?

Newspaper. Rs 50 per words

Memon : oh buhat jayada hain, acha likho "Guffar Bhai Died",

Newspaper : Sir it should be minimum 6 words.

Memon : Oh ho, jara sochney do ..... . . . Acha likho "guffar Bhai Died - Suzuki for sale'.

Flight 000

A British Airways flight was going to Pakistan in Islamabad from London. When it gets close to Karachi it starts having some kind of trouble. The pilot contacts the Air Tower at Islamabad airport and asks for help:

"Hello Islamabad, this is Captain Smith, British Airways flight 000, do you read?"

"Flight 000, this is Tower flight Control of Islamabad , go ahead"

"Islamabad, this is flight 000, we have a problem"

"This is Islamabad, what kind of problem?"

"This is flight 000, we have lost power to our engines, please advise"

"This is Islamabad; I reed you, please check some things for me, ok?"

"This is flight 000, go ahead"

"This is Islamabad; can you get emergency power to your engines?"

"This is flight 000, negative, no power is available"

"This is Islamabad; can you please bring your altitude to 20,000 feet?"

"This is flight 000, negative, our wing controls do not respond"

"This is Islamabad: can you please see if you can lower your wheels?"

"This is flight 000, negative, landing gears are stuck"

"This is Islamabad: would you please repeat these words after me"

"This is flight 000, go ahead"

"This is Islamabad: repeat these words please:

"Inna Lillah I Wa Inna Ila'hi Rajioon"

Namak!

Gabbar: Kitne admi they?
Sambha: Sardar 2
Gabbar: Mujhe ginti nahin aati, 2 kitne hote hain?
Samba: Sardar 2, 1 ke baad aata hai
Gabbar: Aur 2 ke pehle?
Samba: 2 k pehle 1 aata hai.
Gabbar: To beech mein kaun ata hai?
Samba: Beech mein koi nahi aata>
Gabbar:: To phir dono ek saath kyun nahin aate?
Samba: 1 k baad hi 2 aa sakta hai, kyun ki 2, 1 se bada hai.
Gabar: 2, 1 se kitna bada hai?
Samba: 2, 1 se 1 bada hai.
Gabbar: Agar 2, 1 se 1 bada hai to 1, 1 se kitna bada hai?
Samnba: Sardar maine aapka namak khaya hai, mujhe goli maar do

Higher Studies!

Pathan sitting on the top of the mountain and studying.. When a person asked what he was doing.. He replied.. Oye! higher studies yaar...

Stung by a bee!

A man comes running to the doctor shouting & screaming In pain "Please doctor you've got to help me. I've been stung by a Bee."

DOCTOR: "Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it."

MAN: "You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

DOCTOR: "No you don't understand! I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."

MAN: "Oh! It happened in the garden where I was
Sitting under a tree"

DOCTOR (in anger): "No, no you IDIOT! I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting."

MAN (still screaming in pain): "On my finger! The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts"

DOCTOR (banging his fist, abusing and shouting):
"Which one?"

MAN (innocently ): "How am I to know? All bees look the same to me."

Saw Lee :|?

Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan ?

Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Caller: I“m Sum Wan .And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It“s urgent.

Operator: I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what“s this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother, Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Rightnow, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.

Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn“t an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don“t have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I“m Saw Lee.

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!

Serious!

A ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing mathematics. (Or to be politically correct, he was deferring his success at mathematics.) His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enrol their son in a private Catholic school.

After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them to his room and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room with maths books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

This pattern of behaviour continued until it was time for the first term's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened, laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Maths.

Overjoyed, she rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.

"Was it the nuns that did it?" she asked.

The boy shook his head and said "No."

"Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" "No."

"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"

"No", said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they were serious!

Eyesight!

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”

Pen or Pencil?

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

Wireless!

President Musharraf went to the US & had a meeting with President Bush. Bush said, "I want to show you the advancement in technology in USA. Come with me."
Bush takes him in a deep forest and says. "Dig the ground."
Musharraf digs.
Bush says, "More, more, more..."
Musharraf has now reached a 100 feet.
Bush says, "So now, did you find anything?"
Musharraf , "I got a wire!"
Bush says, "You see, it shows that even 200 years ago we used to have telephones!"
Musharraf was very frustrated and he invited Bush to Pakistan.
In Pakistan Musharraf says, "Now I want to show you the advancement in Pakistan!"
He takes Bush to a forest and ask him to dig.
After some time Musharraf says, "More. .. more... more!"
Bush has now reached almost 400 feet.
Musharraf says, "Find anything?"
Bush tries but finds nothing, "Nothing here!"
Musharraf says, "You see even 400 years ago we had gone WIRELESS!"

You are mine ;)!

One fat guy - goes to a popular GYM after he sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20
kilograms on the first day.

So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg.

They lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and ladders and tell him to wait a minute. He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a beautiful girl, with a sign saying

"If you catch me, I'm yours."

He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed. Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there.

And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door.

In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5kg.

He's back on the street and starts to think. "God, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time... So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20 more kg."

"No problem," says the manager.

Again he is led to the large gym. This time he's
standing by the door when it opens.

Out comes a Gorilla with a sign,

"If I catch you, you're mine."